Honoring the losses, grief in the time of COVID-19

A few weeks ago, when my phone made the familiar text-sound that I have assigned to my son, I knew intuitively what it was. I was in the middle of a meeting so listened as I heard it twice more and then a missed call from him came through.  I left the meeting to view the texts and felt my heart sink as I read what I already knew to be true, his college campus would be closing for the rest of the semester. This was a Monday afternoon and they were to be out of their rooms and off campus by 5 pm on Wednesday.

Many of his friends were already off campus for Spring break, there would be no saying goodbye to them. I called him and I could hear in his voice the shock and disbelief, even though this was somewhat expected. He immediately began thinking of ways to stay close by, alternatives to the inevitable, the one thing he didn’t want to do, leave campus and come to what once was his home.

I let the days go by for him to figure it out. I knew he would want to stay on campus until the clock struck 5 pm on Wednesday. This meant the end of a 4 year journey of learning, self discovery, finding community, finding home and his place in the world. No more performances this year with the cancellation of five shows. No graduation, no proper goodbyes, no transition, no closure. This was an incredible loss. Now he is home doing classes online and doing what needs to be done in the best way he can.

As a grief counselor, I am hearing a lot about loss right now, everyone has a list, from going to the grocery store without fear, getting together with friends and family, going to work or school, going to church or spiritual communities, exercising at the gym, and losses of  important ceremonies like funerals, weddings, graduations, travel plans and other events.

Everyone’s life has been turned upside down and is very different than it ever was before and than it ever will be again.  Life as we knew it just a few weeks ago is forever changed. I know it is important to adapt and move on, but I wonder if we need to linger a bit longer in the between time. We are physically isolated and in between what was and what will be. There is a lot of uncertainty and unknown that we are learning to live with. It seems to we have plenty of time to acknowledge our feelings, but they can be so overwhelming that I know it can be tempting to try to numb them or bypass them. That can be okay too, if that is what you need right now.

My intuitive guidance tells me that the losses must be acknowledged and honored before stepping into reflection about what this time means for each of us and what it can bring as we move forward and eventually out of this crises.

I have one more big loss to take care of this week, and that is cancelling my trip to Ireland in late May. Of course I know it won’t happen, but I had to let a part of me have that trip and all the wonderful arrangements linger out there in the realm of possibility.  After the loss of my son’s graduation, my upcoming TEDx talk, some of my work, most of Quinn’s work, my trip to Italy with Evan, my Ekone grief retreat in April, I needed a few moments of what might be possible, before my soul felt another big loss. Being able to go to Ireland is a privilege but it is also home to my soul and the thought of not being there this Spring deeply saddens me.

Yes, I have so much to be grateful for and I am appreciative every day for what I have and who I get to share life with. I am grateful that I am well and my family and friends are well. We have plenty of food and a warm home. And at the same time, my grief is my grief, and I get to have all my feelings. And so do you.

After reflecting on and honoring the losses we can adapt and reframe and move on into living the only life we have, the one that is happening right now in this very moment. If this is life, with all its surreality and weirdness, how do you want to live? I am asking myself that question every moment with hopes of living into the answer.